A Year in the Making

This past Friday marked one year since my last day of work.

Depending on the day, if you'd asked me if I was satisfied with my decision to become a stay-at-home-mom, you would most likely get a different answer. Probably depending on a different time of day as well - such are the ups and downs of being a parent.

So I guess I'll start with a rabbit trail. I'm a very sentimental person when it comes to experiences. That's what most life is about, right? Our experiences and how they shape us and mold us. The people we meet...our choices (or lack thereof). Rather than think of a small experience though, think back to a time when everything felt perfect; a time "frame" of your life that you would give anything to go back to. A time that when you hear a certain song (or a smell, etc.) it floods your memories of that place and the people you were surrounded by.

As an admittedly sentimental person, I hold a couple of my experiences/time frames very dear to my heart. It makes for some sweet memories and I enjoy reminiscing every once in a while with others who shared those experiences with me. Would I give anything to be back where I was? In some ways, yes. But being the emotional person that I am, I discovered that longing for the "good old days" can be dangerous and unhealthy in some ways. Instead of focusing on the present, my heart sometimes longs too much for the past.

My job was one of those experiences. I was thrilled to become a mom and the decision to stay at home was not made lightly. I had one of those jobs that most days did not feel like a job. I loved my work and I enjoyed my co-workers. I had the freedom to be creative. I was respected and experienced and felt I was a contributor to something bigger the myself. Sure, the job had its hiccups and its personalities to deal with but I knew how to manage. When our call came about Noah, I was pleasantly uprooted from work to take maternity leave all the while still feeling apart of my team. Four months later I left that all behind and closed the door to a phase in my life that I will never forget and for which I will always be grateful.

Ultimately, would I take back that choice? No.
Do I miss it? Oh, yes!
Would I go back if I had the chance? I don't know.

I've played that third question over and over in my head and what I finally realized was that I could go back to work if I wanted to - whether there or elsewhere - but it would be because of a desire to repeat what I had had before. I will never be able to repeat that time of my life - those same people, that same situation. My final day is still so vivid in my mind and I try to hold onto that feeling of accomplishment yet bittersweet sadness that I carried with me. I'm sure to some folks I was a blip on their career charts and in the end business is business. Your work friends are your work friends usually no matter how much you try to keep in touch afterward. It's a necessary evil that our lives move on and, being the nosy person that I am, it's always difficult to see myself being left out. Life goes on...even for me.

Now, a year later, who would ever have imagined that I would have not just one but TWO amazing, sweet baby boys to care for! There are amazingly tough days and other days where every moment is precious and perfect. I do miss the camaraderie of working. I do miss feeling useful and seeing the immediate physical results of hard work paying off. Being a parent doesn't always bring that same satisfaction, especially when your littles are still babies. But knowing that it will pay off in the long run makes my new job bearable when I need it to be and that much more joyous the other 99% of the time. (It doesn't hurt either to hear from former coworkers that I'm sorely missed and had been hard to replace.) I get to see my boys grow and learn everything amazing about life there is to experience! I get to sit and cuddle with my oldest while we read his favorite book and point at all the pictures and name them and make their sounds. I get to go on mom dates and play outside and blow them bubbles and snuggle after naptime watching "DJ Lance" (aka Yo Gabba Gabba).

I'm so thankful to have the opportunity to be at home with them. As much as it might drive me crazy to be unproductive or constantly in workout clothes and covered with sticky things and missing out on some of the corporate world, I hope I look back on this time as one of those "experiences" where I'll long for my boys to be little once more. Only time will tell. They have to grow up first.

Closing of a Chapter

Tomorrow is my last day at work. I have mixed emotions: sad, excited, nervous, satisfied, proud. I remember thinking back to when I first knew I loved my job. I thought it would be impossible to give it up! Any other position I'd had before I was ready to drop in a heartbeat had the adoption gone through at that time. The husband and I had talked about/agreed long ago that I would be a stay at home mom but this job actually made me really question what I wanted to do, and he was open to letting me make the final decision. Once Noah came along, it was pretty easy.

The past two weeks have gone by quickly. I am incredibly thankful to my bosses for allowing me to work part time as my babysitter schedule allowed so that I could come in to train the temp currently filling in for me. It was surreal to set up my exit interview but I am more than ready. Many people at work have told me how happy I look - not that I wasn't before! Just "happier".

So tomorrow I'll go in, work a few hours, cram as much info I can into my temporary replacement's head and at 3:30 I'll hand in my laptop and badge.

Then, in 5 years or so when Noah goes to school, I'll look up my boss and ask for a job. ;-)

Bittersweet

If you know me, you know that I love my job. No, really. I LOVE my job. More than most people could ever say about their work.

The job was pretty much mine from the start and over 2.5 years later, I have been so privileged to work for an amazing team of bosses and an even more amazing company. Back when I was hired on, I told my boss (I have two, but for the sake of convenience, I'll just keep it singular) about the husband and I being in the adoption process. At the time, we had no ETA, no prospects on the timing of when we might have a child but they were supportive.

Fast forward to December 2011 and even though the subject had come up a time or two, they had nearly forgotten about it. When our call came on Christmas Eve, I fretted the entire weekend on when/how to break the news to my boss. More importantly, the fact that I was needing to begin maternity immediately. My fears are almost always unwarranted because they have never not been supportive regarding my personal life.

I broke the news and with their full support and proactive responses, I began my maternity leave to care for Noah. Six weeks passed and I signed up for the remaining six weeks I was allowed for FMLA.

Twelve weeks is a long time to pray - pray about our family - pray about Noah - pray about our future.

So here we are today. I returned to work today after twelve weeks gone and after three years at my company (2.5 in my current position), I turned in my letter of resignation.

I know this is the right decision for me and for Noah. We are blessed that it is possible for me to stay at home with our children but I can't help feeling saddened over the change. If I could have the best of both worlds, I would. But I walked into the office today feeling God's grace on me, feeling such confidence and assurance to get the ball rolling to close this chapter of my life.

It's a bittersweet ending and I plan to relish these final two weeks at my job and give it all I have left to give.